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It really sucks.
And I think I may actually have it.
But I so can't afford to miss school right now.
I'm already failing.. well lets just count:
W.Geography
Biology
(i wonder if I do really bad second sem of bio if i'll still be put in pre-ap chem)
French
Geometry
Health
anddd i think thats it
that means im passing
P.E. Foundations
and
English
wow.
im so fucking smart.
Nottt tto mention the fact
That I can't get out of this drug world
I've realized
everybody i know does drugs
and its frustrating
I don't want to make new friends.
idk
maybeee i'll just be the sboer one
when im sober
which is like two weeks.
godddd.
and now, andrew is gettnig all pissed at me.
and its not fair
he's done them
he does them
but its wrong for me
and its wrong for me to starve
and purge
everything i do is wrong
i swear.
im just going to screw this up
like everyone before him
- Location:My housseee
- Mood:
blah - Music:Cecilia -- The Blood Brothers
i am screwing everything up.
and i mean everything this time.
im still doing c's
and actual cough syrup
and xanax
and vallium
loratab
whatever the fuck stops everything.
but what is worse?
is the fact that im buying c's at school
im desperate when i get them
i have to take them
and they make me so sick.
for like days after
but that four hour high just seems worth it.
and now,
im waiting for her to get back to me
on my coke deal.
coke.
i dont get it
i dontknow why im here
or why im doing this
but i cant stop
i dont want to stop
i dont know how to stop
im screwing things up with my boyfriend
so badly.
i dont even know what im doing
he likes me and trusts me so much more than i could ever him
but i do like him.
and i dont want that to end.
but it hurts.
i just want it to stop
everything to stop
for time to freeze
just for an instant.
but it never does.
and it never will.
i dont know what to do.
i want to go back
but i cant
and i cant go forward
i cant even look forward
it all just seems so dark.
and empty.
i dont see me in my future.
i took the c's on friday night.
and it was totally fucking fun.
they are so the poor mans x.
i cant wait for next weekend now.
i just am having a slight hard time dealing with the fact that i was this good girl for like 8 months, and then i let that girl go again, and im doing all of this shit again. but i want to. thats the part that is confusing to me.
i dont expect anybody to understand that, because i dont. not like anybody really reads this. but its confusing me. and i just needed to get it out there.
- Location:apartment
- Mood:
content - Music:baby you wouldn't last a minute -- chiodos
thinks he is in love with me now.
and i honestly dont like him.
hahaha.
wow.
thats kind of funny.
in a non-funny kind of way.
man, im mean.
anyways.
im bored.
in the most bored way.
my mom didnt pay for my bus
so now i must stay home
for another fifteen minutes
GAY.
oh.
i didnt get my english book
i left it in one of my afternoon classes
how smart was that?
so now i have to try and find it
before first period
and then read the two short stories
all before fourth
man
me and my brain
- Location:my apartment
ugh. i have no fucking idea what to do anymore.
i like him.
problems?
he has a girlfriend.
that he doesn't even like.
it is so ovbious when he is with her.
its like he isn't even there anymore.
like he just stares off into space.
and he has become like so depressed ever since they got together.
everyone knows he's only with her because of his friends.
his stupid emo friends.
next problem:
the 90% of the time he's a jerk
you know when hes with his friend.
but god the other 10% when he's not.
I could fall in love with that boy.
i really like the him.
even if he has a girlfriend.
and is a jerk.
theres something about him.
that just makes me think
hes.worth.it.
- Location:my house
- Mood:
confused - Music:my black dahlia -- hollywood undead
anyway, i have no idea what im doing anymore.
srsly.
im pretty much done talking to cyle. for like ever.
and you know andrew. yeah i screwed that up.
and things with chris never work out.
im just screwed.
i did however get my progress report.
and heres what i have.
geometry: 80
team sports: 100
english honors: 90
biology: 84
world history honors: 91
french: 82
not to bad.
- Location:My House
- Mood:
awake - Music:Cute Without The 'E' (Cut From The Team) Taking Back Sunday
Gooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo Tiger Football.
So yeah, todays the big game. You know, AMC against Bryan. yep thats right Tigers against Vikings. OOOOHHH AHHH. lmao. I'm all pep rallyed out, its funny. I have my black on (Black Out Bryan Bitches) and I have "Tiger Football" "Black Out Bryan" and "Tiger Paw Prints" (actually drawn) on my cheeks too. so many people were asking me if i was a cheerleader. man I've got school spirit.
GOOOOO TIGER FOOTBALL.
haha, it was funny
anyways. so yeah. idk. i miss him.
and i think im using him to make up for him.
{not that it really matters because he doesn't even notice me anyway.}
i.should.just.let.it.go.
- Location:my house.
- Mood:
ecstatic - Music:Diary Of Jane -- Breaking Benjamin
its not done. but its all i have so far.
I'm not as pretty as the girls in the glamourous magazines,
I'll never be as skinny as the girls on the silver screen.
My golden hair feels thinner and lighter then ever before,
My skins so pale its as if I never stood underneath the sun.
The weight falls off week after week but it's never enough,
{The fat stays in my mind}
The voice inside tells me everyday I'll never be perfect anyway
{I'll be right out, I swear}
[Collarbone.Hipbone.Ribcage]
[Please.Dont.Go]
[I.Need.To.See.You]
[To.Know.That.I'm.Not.All.Alone]
- Mood:
artistic
and jess and caroline have known for a while now, so they just do their normal thing about it, support me.
i just cant believe everybody thinks its a problem. its not a problem. i have it under control.
i mean i dont weight like 90 pounds or anything. im fine. perfectly fine. i dont see what the big deal is.
- Location:my 'house'
- Mood:
worried - Music:Lips Like Morphine -- Kill Hannah
But Anna said it best, I'm not emo because if I was emo I'd be able to feel something. And I can't feel anything. I'm cold and I'm heavy. That's all I know. And it's driving me crazy, and I hate it. I hate not feeling and not being fun. I hate lying and smiling and being so damn fake. all of the things that I hate and swore I would never be again I am.
Things like zoning out so far that I feel like I'm watching myself live and like I have no control over what I'm doing. Things like cutting. Things like thinking about the pills I have. Stupid immature things I shouldn't consider.
Control is all I have left and I can just feel it slipping out of my fingertips.
And I'm still cold and I'm still alone in some state where I don't want to be.
- Location:Apartment, College Station, TX
- Mood:
cold - Music:HeroHeroine -- boys like girls
but i have homecoming this weekend which sounds like fun.
my sucky ass class schedule:
1: geometry
2: gym (team sports)
3: credit recovery (oh yeah, i failed first sem of IPC last year and then got like an A second sem so they like merged the grade for a final grade back home to pass me but not down here. fuckers)
4: honors english
5: biology
6: honors world history
7: french I
i'm so going to fail.
=(
- Location:my apartment
- Mood:
lonely - Music:cry wolf
Our pod thing came today. so my house is like empty. boxes are gone. things are gone. everything is like missing. and i hate it. it was so easy before to pretend like everything was the same that i really wasn't moving. but now that im moving in five days (almost four if you really think about it) its in my face reality and I don't know what to do about it. I leave and I'm not coming back. Everybody is saying that I am, but deep down, I know that I'm not. Ammie is moving to Portland later this year, my grandma is moving to South Carolina, and most of my friends are graduating, when it comes down to it, I know that when I leave here I'm more than likely not going to come back. And that hurts. Not because I'm not going to see my friends again, or because this is my home, I don't think. I'm not going to see my brothers again. I think that is what is really starting to hit me.
I found a bottle of pills today. I totally had forgot about them too. I remember stealing them from my mom like in May or June and I just found them... its only like 2 1/2 pills, but I don't think I've ever been this tempted to take them. And somewhere inside I know that I really don't want to take them because its been months since I've done that. And at the same time, its all that I want to do. Numb everything, make it easier to move. All of it. I just don't know. And I hate the feeling that I can't tell myself no.
I.dont.want.to.say.goodbye.
I.dont.want.to.say.hello.
I.dont.want.to.start.over.again.
I.just.want.this.to.end.
- Location:My House
- Mood:
scared - Music:Gone Forever -- Three Days Grace
So last night was okay. I pretty much spent the entire night with Shannon since we went to the teen center and Chae hung out with Trae instead of me, but still, I love Shannon so it was still tons of fun.
It really pissed me of that Chae didn't take any pictures with me though, and I'm leaving in like 7 days. I mean seirously, its like thanks for being my best friends sometimes.
I honestly dont get how we are honestly.
i think I said a whole 20 words to her the entire night. I talked to some dude Seth more then her the entire time. real nice.
- Location:My house
- Mood: artistic
- Music:Gone Forever -- Three Days Grace
| ✓ I miss somebody right now. | × I don't watch much TV these days. (Are you kidding? All new episodes of shows are popping up everwhere) | ✓ I own lots of books. |
| × I wear glasses or contact lenses. (I'm supposed to where glasses, but I look really nerdy so I never do) | × I love to play video games. (Only when I'm grounded from everything else) | × I've tried marijuana. (Never ever) |
| × I've watched porn movies. (Once people!) | × I have been the psycho-ex in a past relationship. (Never) | ✓ I believe honesty is usually the best policy. |
| × I curse sometimes. (All the time) | ✓ I have changed a lot mentally over the last year. | × I carry my knife/razor everywhere with me. |
- Location:My house
- Mood:
amused - Music:Dakota -- Sterophonics
So my mom has taken the computer apart yet =) so I'm happy about that.
Chris hasnt showed up yet, and I'm kind of hoping that he just doesn't. That he gets that I didn't want to see him, thats why I didn't tell him that I was moving, why i didn't tell him a lot of things. I'm really hoping over here. But I don't know.
I'm going to Chae's volleyball game in Medical Lake tonight, and staying the night at her place (I'm sensing a set up, okay hoping for a set up for a suprise something with her and Shannon lol) so I have to be at her work at 4:45 so I am just hoping that he doesn't show up between now and then.
Cause I don't think I can face him. Honestly. I really don't. At this point I want to move just so I can put you know 2300-2500 miles between us. I just don't want to face anything. I'm a total coward when it comes to him, and only him.
Why.can't.I.face.my.mistakes.
why does all of this have to be with him? i can handle myself with everybody but him.
- Location:my house
- Mood:
nervous - Music:Perfection Through Silence -- Finch
So today was my last day during school, and the last day that I have internet, so sadness all around. =(
List of times I've cried:
During lunch
During French
On the bus (I mean Sean hugged me, Suzy, Ryan, and Christina, I was bound to cry, and it was like this big group goodbye. I may start crying thinking about it)
Walking home
Standing in my near empty room.
Talking to my mom in the living room.
Fighting with my mom at Zips.
I am done crying i swear
its overrated.
- Location:my home
- Mood:
depressed - Music:Every Me Every You -- Placebo
Oh No. No.No.No.No.My.God.No.Please.Just.Say.It.I
God.
Ammie ran into Chris today, and told him I was leaving. The fucking bitch. That wasn't her place, I was just going to leave. That was my choice, my fucking choice. Not hers, right or wrong, it was mine. And she just stepped in, like she always does, and made it for me. Always. She just can't let me live my life.
And to make it all better, she told him to come up on Saturday to see me. She has no right to get involved in my life like this again after I told her to stay out of it the lat time.
God.Just.Make.It.Stop.
I can't face him.
Not after he found out like that.
I.Just.Want.It.To.Stop.
- Location:My house
- Mood:
frustrated - Music:Wonderwall -- Ryan Adams
Class Schedule
For the next four days.
Home Room: Olson -- This week only. Whatever. He gave us our schedules, went over the rules. What the fuck ever, like anybody does anything if you break them anyways. I'm so gonna miss this school. Yep yep yep.
1st period. AP World History -- Barnwell: Not much, just went over what we were going to do, they turned in summer assignment that I didn't know about therefore didn't do. yada yada yada. Oh and talked about the AP test for college cred in May, if they let me take the AP class in Texas (apparently in Texas it's against school rules to let a Sophmore take AP classes. what the fuck dude.)
2nd period. Englist 10 honors -- dietrich: Total bitch. im here for 4 days. didn't do my summer assignment so I went to explain this to her. and what the hell does this fucking bitch make me fucking do? read Persuasion by Jane Austen by fucking tomorrow. So Nickole's idea? Skip her fucking class causes shes a fucking bitch. But no, I am reading the spark's notes version, and the book. Damn my want to get good grades this year rule. oh and we took a test. so i got a zero on that bitch.
3rd period. Science 10 -- Daisly: weird. seriously. he's weird. this Rachel chick is in my class. She's David's cousin. cool so far. but whatev. and anyways. we didn't do much. just took a test.
LUNCH!! (WITH SEAN!!!!! yayness bitches)
4th period. Lifetime Fitness -- Owen: gym. kill. me. now... please?
5th period. French 1 -- Thacker: totally fucking awesome. I will be one pissed off girl if they don't have French at CSHS. Oh trust me. It will be bad.
6th period. Math 10 -- Gillespie: math sucks. math should die. no not really. i like math to an extent. and the teacher was nice.
why do i have to move.
I like all of my teachers but one. god this sucks.
- Location:My Room
- Mood: lonely
- Music:You're So Damn Hot -- Ok Go
think its possible to get a beta for a half-finished poem? just to like go over it and tell me if its total crap or not. and if it is, at least then i can stop writing it.
its completly out of order. but its just three stanzas that would go together. idk. i just kind of wrote those three stanzas. so... if anybody on my flist wants to tell me what they think.... i'd pretty much <3 you forever and ever :D
- Location:ammies
- Music:Murder On The Dance Floor -- Sophie Ellis Baxter
