Somethings Never Get Better

rainyteardrops @ 2007-02-22T19:43:00

2007-02-23T01:51:56Z

My boyfriend has strep.
It really sucks.
And I think I may actually have it.
But I so can't afford to miss school right now.
I'm already failing.. well lets just count:
W.Geography
Biology
(i wonder if I do really bad second sem of bio if i'll still be put in pre-ap chem)
French
Geometry
Health
anddd i think thats it

that means im passing
P.E. Foundations
and
English

wow.
im so fucking smart.

Nottt tto mention the fact
That I can't get out of this drug world
I've realized
everybody i know does drugs
and its frustrating
I don't want to make new friends.
idk
maybeee i'll just be the sboer one
when im sober
which is like two weeks.
godddd.

and now, andrew is gettnig all pissed at me.
and its not fair
he's done them
he does them
but its wrong for me
and its wrong for me to starve
and purge
everything i do is wrong
i swear.

im just going to screw this up
like everyone before him

rainyteardrops @ 2007-01-31T19:34:00

2007-02-01T01:38:01Z

oh my god.
i am screwing everything up.
and i mean everything this time.
im still doing c's
and actual cough syrup
and xanax
and vallium
loratab
whatever the fuck stops everything.
but what is worse?
is the fact that im buying c's at school
im desperate when i get them
i have to take them
and they make me so sick.
for like days after
but that four hour high just seems worth it.

and now,
im waiting for her to get back to me
on my coke deal.
coke.
i dont get it
i dontknow why im here
or why im doing this
but i cant stop
i dont want to stop
i dont know how to stop

im screwing things up with my boyfriend
so badly.
i dont even know what im doing
he likes me and trusts me so much more than i could ever him
but i do like him.
and i dont want that to end.
but it hurts.

i just want it to stop
everything to stop
for time to freeze
just for an instant.
but it never does.
and it never will.
i dont know what to do.

i want to go back
but i cant
and i cant go forward
i cant even look forward
it all just seems so dark.
and empty.

i dont see me in my future.

rainyteardrops @ 2006-11-12T10:07:00

2006-11-12T18:07:51Z

so i did it.

i took the c's on friday night.

and it was totally fucking fun.

they are so the poor mans x.

i cant wait for next weekend now.

//shattered.glass.surronds.me.now//a.reflection.i.cant.stand//

2006-11-09T23:54:43Z

so andrea is getting me five packs of c's. thats like enough to last me ten highs. i am pretty much stoked.

i just am having a slight hard time dealing with the fact that i was this good girl for like 8 months, and then i let that girl go again, and im doing all of this shit again. but i want to. thats the part that is confusing to me.

i dont expect anybody to understand that, because i dont. not like anybody really reads this. but its confusing me. and i just needed to get it out there.

rainyteardrops @ 2006-11-07T05:16:00

2006-11-07T13:16:35Z

okay so the guy at the carnival
thinks he is in love with me now.
and i honestly dont like him.
hahaha.
wow.
thats kind of funny.
in a non-funny kind of way.
man, im mean.
anyways.
im bored.
in the most bored way.
my mom didnt pay for my bus
so now i must stay home
for another fifteen minutes
GAY.

oh.
i didnt get my english book
i left it in one of my afternoon classes
how smart was that?
so now i have to try and find it
before first period
and then read the two short stories
all before fourth
man
me and my brain

i.wish.i.never.met.you.

2006-11-06T02:56:38Z

ugh. i have no fucking idea what to do anymore.

i like him.

problems?
he has a girlfriend.
that he doesn't even like.
it is so ovbious when he is with her.
its like he isn't even there anymore.
like he just stares off into space.
and he has become like so depressed ever since they got together.
everyone knows he's only with her because of his friends.
his stupid emo friends.
next problem:
the 90% of the time he's a jerk
you know when hes with his friend.
but god the other 10% when he's not.
I could fall in love with that boy.

i really like the him.
even if he has a girlfriend.
and is a jerk.
theres something about him.
that just makes me think
hes.worth.it.

~~i.dont.fucking.know.~~

Bathroom Stalls Is Where We Meet

2006-10-23T23:22:33Z

so i have this gay ass world history essay due tomorrow on leprosy. boring.

anyway, i have no idea what im doing anymore.
srsly.
im pretty much done talking to cyle. for like ever.
and you know andrew. yeah i screwed that up.
and things with chris never work out.
im just screwed.

i did however get my progress report.
and heres what i have.
geometry: 80
team sports: 100
english honors: 90
biology: 84
world history honors: 91
french: 82

not to bad.

You Put Me Together To Tear Me Apart

2006-10-20T21:45:31Z

Gooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo Tiger Football.

So yeah, todays the big game. You know, AMC against Bryan. yep thats right Tigers against Vikings. OOOOHHH AHHH. lmao. I'm all pep rallyed out, its funny. I have my black on (Black Out Bryan Bitches) and I have "Tiger Football" "Black Out Bryan" and "Tiger Paw Prints" (actually drawn) on my cheeks too. so many people were asking me if i was a cheerleader. man I've got school spirit.

GOOOOO TIGER FOOTBALL.

haha, it was funny

anyways. so yeah. idk. i miss him.

and i think im using him to make up for him.

{not that it really matters because he doesn't even notice me anyway.}

i.should.just.let.it.go.

untitled poem

2006-10-19T22:43:23Z

its not done. but its all i have so far.

I'm not as pretty as the girls in the glamourous magazines,
I'll never be as skinny as the girls on the silver screen.
My golden hair feels thinner and lighter then ever before,
My skins so pale its as if I never stood underneath the sun.

The weight falls off week after week but it's never enough,
{The fat stays in my mind}
The voice inside tells me everyday I'll never be perfect anyway
{I'll be right out, I swear}

[Collarbone.Hipbone.Ribcage]
[Please.Dont.Go]
[I.Need.To.See.You]
[To.Know.That.I'm.Not.All.Alone]

rainyteardrops @ 2006-10-19T14:17:00

2006-10-19T21:21:23Z

so it pretty much came out at school that im anorexic/bulimic, and man are my friends on me about it. vee bought me lunch today and andrea watched me eat it. andrea and valerie are on this whole you arent fat thing and how im underweight (which im not, im like 5 pounds from being underweight THANKS FOR THE REMINDER) and then Issac (who totally called my fat before finding out btw) gives me hugs all the time now to make me feel better.

and jess and caroline have known for a while now, so they just do their normal thing about it, support me.

i just cant believe everybody thinks its a problem. its not a problem. i have it under control.

i mean i dont weight like 90 pounds or anything. im fine. perfectly fine. i dont see what the big deal is.

Paper Bags && Plastic Hearts

2006-10-16T02:51:45Z

I think I'm screwing up everything again. Honestly. (I'm so going to sound emo in this. I know it)

But Anna said it best, I'm not emo because if I was emo I'd be able to feel something. And I can't feel anything. I'm cold and I'm heavy. That's all I know. And it's driving me crazy, and I hate it. I hate not feeling and not being fun. I hate lying and smiling and being so damn fake. all of the things that I hate and swore I would never be again I am.

Things like zoning out so far that I feel like I'm watching myself live and like I have no control over what I'm doing. Things like cutting. Things like thinking about the pills I have. Stupid immature things I shouldn't consider.

Control is all I have left and I can just feel it slipping out of my fingertips.

And I'm still cold and I'm still alone in some state where I don't want to be.

rainyteardrops @ 2006-10-09T09:22:00

2006-10-09T16:27:08Z

so i finally got my internet back up. yay. so school isn't so bad friend wise. but like actual school wise i'm like screwed. because i transfered in after like six weeks they are saying that i have a high chance of not getting credit. which is just screwed up.

but i have homecoming this weekend which sounds like fun.

my sucky ass class schedule:
1: geometry
2: gym (team sports)
3: credit recovery (oh yeah, i failed first sem of IPC last year and then got like an A second sem so they like merged the grade for a final grade back home to pass me but not down here. fuckers)
4: honors english
5: biology
6: honors world history
7: french I

i'm so going to fail.

=(

I.Dont.Need.You.Here

2006-09-13T00:03:54Z

Our pod thing came today. so my house is like empty. boxes are gone. things are gone. everything is like missing. and i hate it. it was so easy before to pretend like everything was the same that i really wasn't moving. but now that im moving in five days (almost four if you really think about it) its in my face reality and I don't know what to do about it. I leave and I'm not coming back. Everybody is saying that I am, but deep down, I know that I'm not. Ammie is moving to Portland later this year, my grandma is moving to South Carolina, and most of my friends are graduating, when it comes down to it, I know that when I leave here I'm more than likely not going to come back. And that hurts. Not because I'm not going to see my friends again, or because this is my home, I don't think. I'm not going to see my brothers again. I think that is what is really starting to hit me.

I found a bottle of pills today. I totally had forgot about them too. I remember stealing them from my mom like in May or June and I just found them... its only like 2 1/2 pills, but I don't think I've ever been this tempted to take them. And somewhere inside I know that I really don't want to take them because its been months since I've done that. And at the same time, its all that I want to do. Numb everything, make it easier to move. All of it. I just don't know. And I hate the feeling that I can't tell myself no.

I.dont.want.to.say.goodbye.
I.dont.want.to.say.hello.
I.dont.want.to.start.over.again.
I.just.want.this.to.end.

rainyteardrops @ 2006-09-10T10:36:00

2006-09-10T17:40:55Z

So last night was okay. I pretty much spent the entire night with Shannon since we went to the teen center and Chae hung out with Trae instead of me, but still, I love Shannon so it was still tons of fun.

It really pissed me of that Chae didn't take any pictures with me though, and I'm leaving in like 7 days. I mean seirously, its like thanks for being my best friends sometimes.

I honestly dont get how we are honestly.

i think I said a whole 20 words to her the entire night. I talked to some dude Seth more then her the entire time. real nice.

rainyteardrops @ 2006-09-09T12:37:00

2006-09-09T19:38:30Z

✓ I miss somebody right now.	× I don't watch much TV these days. (Are you kidding? All new episodes of shows are popping up everwhere)	✓ I own lots of books.
× I wear glasses or contact lenses. (I'm supposed to where glasses, but I look really nerdy so I never do)	× I love to play video games. (Only when I'm grounded from everything else)	× I've tried marijuana. (Never ever)
× I've watched porn movies. (Once people!)	× I have been the psycho-ex in a past relationship. (Never)	✓ I believe honesty is usually the best policy.
× I curse sometimes. (All the time)	✓ I have changed a lot mentally over the last year.	× I carry my knife/razor everywhere with me.

* * * * *

× I have broken someone's bones.	✓ I have a secret that I am ashamed to reveal.	× I hate the rain. (I love the rain)
✓ I'm paranoid at times.	✓ I would get plastic surgery if it were 100% safe, free of cost, and scar-free.	✓ I need/want money right now.
× I love sushi. (Uh. Ew.)	✓ I talk really, really fast.	× I have fresh breath in the morning. (I. Wish.)
× I have long hair. (Mediumish)	✓ I have lost money in Las Vegas.	✓ I have at least one sibling.
× I was born in a country outside of the U.S. (Does California count?)	✓ I have worn fake hair/fingernails/eyelashes in the past.	× I couldn't survive without Caller I.D.
× I like the way that I look. (Sometimes.)	✓ I have lied to a good friend in the last 6 months.	✓ I am usually pessimistic.
✓ I have a lot of mood swings.	✓ I think prostitution should be legalized.	× I slept with a roommate.
× I have a hidden talent. (I have no talents)	✓ I'm always hyper no matter how much sugar I have.	× I have a lot of friends. (I have a lot of acquaintances)
✓ I have pecked someone of the same sex.	✓ I enjoy talking on the phone.	× I practically live in sweatpants or PJ pants.
✓ I love to shop and/or window shop.	✓ I'm obsessed with my Xanga or Livejournal.	× I'm completely embarrassed to be seen with my mother.
✓ I have a mobile phone.	✓ I have passed out drunk in the past 6 months.	× I've rejected someone before.
✓ I currently like/love someone. (I like someone)	✓ I have no idea what I want to do for the rest of my life.	× I want to have children in the future. (No. Exact opposite. No kids for Nickole.)
✓ I have changed a diaper before.	✓ I've called the cops on a friend before.	× I'm not allergic to anything. (Peaches)
✓ I have a lot to learn.	× I am shy around the opposite sex. (Sometimes)	× I'm online 24/7, even as an away message. (Nah)
× I have at least 5 away messages saved. (Nope)	✓ I have tried alcohol or drugs before.	✓ I have made a move on a friend's significant other or crush in the past.
× I own the "South Park" movie. (Nope)	✓ I have avoided assignments at work/school to be on Xanga or Livejournal.	× I enjoy some country music. (Nooooo)
✓ I would die for my best friends.	✓ I'm obsessive, and often a perfectionist.	× I have used my sexuality to advance my career. (Nopers)
✓ I think Halloween is awesome because you get free candy.	✓ I have dated a close friend's ex.	× I am happy at this moment. (Nopeeeeee)
× I'm obsessed with guys. (Not obsessed, something else)	✓ Democrat.	× Republican.
✓ I don't even know what I am.	× I am punk rockish. (Sortofish)	✓ I go for older guys/girls, not younger.
✓ I study for tests most of the time.	✓ I tie my shoelaces differently from anyone I've ever met.	× I can work on a car.
× I love my job(s). (don't have one)	✓ I am comfortable with who I am right now.	✓ I have more than just my ears pierced.
× I walk barefoot wherever I can.	× I have jumped off a bridge. (Of a cliff count?)	× I love sea turtles.
✓ I spend ridiculous amounts of money on makeup.	✓ I plan on achieving a major goal/dream.	× I am proficient on a musical instrument.
× I hate office jobs. (haven't had one)	× I went to college out of state. (haven't been to college)	× I am adopted.
✓ I am a pyro.	× I have thrown up from crying too much.	× I have been intentionally hurt by people that I loved.
✓ I fall for the worst people.	✓ I adore bright colours.	✓ I usually like covers better than originals.
× I hate chain theme restaurants like Applebees and TGIFridays. (I love them!)	✓ I can pick up things with my toes.	✓ I can't whistle.
✓ I have ridden/owned a horse.	× I still have every journal I've ever written in. (I wish)	× I talk in my sleep. (I don't believe so)
✓ I've often thought that I was born in the wrong century.	✓ I try to forget things by drowning them out with loads of distractions.	× I wear a toe ring. (They annoy me)
× I have a tattoo. (I want a tattoo)	× I can't stand at LEAST one person that I work with.	✓ I am a caffeine junkie.
× I am completely tree-huggy spiritual, and I'm not ashamed at all.	× If I knew I would get away with it, I would commit at least one murder. (maybe)	× I will collect anything, and the more nonsensical, the better.
× I enjoy a nice glass of wine with dinner. (underage)	× I'm an artist. (i used to think i was)	✓ I am ambidextrous.
× I sleep with so many stuffed animals, I can hardly fit on my bed. (i used to in bay city)	× If it weren't for having to see other people naked, I'd live in a nudist colony.	× I have terrible teeth.
✓ I hate my toes.	✓ I did this meme even though I wasn't tagged by the person who took it before me.	× I have more friends on the internet than in real life.
✓ I have lived in either three different states or countries.	× I am extremely flexible. (i wish)	✓ I love hugs more than kisses.
× I want to own my own business.	× I smoke. (Ew)	✓ I spend way too much time on the computer than on anything else.
✓ Nobody has ever said I'm normal.	✓ Sad movies, games, and the like can cause a trickle of tears every now and then.	× I am proficient in the use of many types of firearms and combat weapons. (Um. No.)
× I like the way women look in stylized men's suits.	✓ I don't like it when people are unpleased or seem unpleased with me.	✓ I have been described as a dreamer or likely to have my head up in the clouds.
✓ I have played strip poker with someone else before.	✓ I have had emotional problems for which I have sought professional help.	× I believe in ghosts and the paranormal. (Sometimes. When you catch me in the state of believing things.)
✓ I can't stand being alone.	✓ I have at least one obsession at any given time.	× I weigh myself, pee/poo, and then weigh myself again. (I have. lol)
✓ I consistently spend way too much money on obsessions-of-the-moment.	× I'm a judgmental asshole. (I can be a judemental bitch.)	✓ I'm a HUGE drama-queen.
× I have travelled on more than one continent.	✓ I sometimes wish my father would just disappear.	✓ I need people to tell me I'm good at something in order to feel that I am.
× I am a Libertarian.	× I can speak more than one language. (I can speak some* French (like four days worth lmao))*	✓ I can fall asleep even if the whole room is as noisy as it can be.
✓ I would rather read than watch TV.	✓ I like reading fact more than fiction.	✓ I have pulled an all-nighter on an assignment I was given a month to do.
× I have no piercings.	× I have spent the night in a train station or other public place.	× I have been so upset over my physical gender that I cried.
✓ I once spent Christmas completely alone because there was a miscommunication on which parent was supposed to have me that night. (Something like that)	✓ There have been times when I have wondered "Why was I born?" and may/may not have cried over it.	× I like most animals better than most people.
× I own a collection of retro games consoles.	× The thought of physical exercise makes me shiver. (i like exercising actually)	× I have hit someone with a dead fish. (why would i do that)
✓ I am compulsively honest.	× I was born with a congenital birth defect that has never been repaired. (um... no)	× I have danced topless in front of dozens of complete strangers. (0=))
× I have gone from wishing I was a girl to revelling in being a boy to feeling like a girl again in the span of five minutes, and not cared a whit for my actual sex.	× I am unashamedly bisexual, and have different motivations for my desires for different genders.	✓ I sometimes won't sleep a whole night or eat a whole day because I forget to.
✓ I find it impossible to get to sleep without some kind of music on. (seriously. i cant. its like near impossible.)	✓ I dislike milk. (more like hate)	✓ I obsessively wash my hands.
× I always carry something significant around with me.	× Sometimes I'd rather wear a wig in day-to-day life than use my own hair.	✓ I've pushed myself to become more self-aware and thereby more aware of others.
× Even though I live on my own I still cry sometimes because I miss my mother.	× I hand wrote all the HTML tags in this document. (not in this document, but i have before)	✓ I've liked something which a majority of people claimed was either bad or weird.
× I have been clinically dead for a brief period of time. (close)	× Instead of feeling sympathy/empathy with people and their problems, I simply become annoyed. (no, im very empathetic)	× I participate/have participated in auto drag races and won.
✓ I do not 'get' most comedy acts.	✓ I don't think strippers are money-greedy or slutty for dancing.	× I don't like to chew gum. (um no)
✓ I am obsessed with history/historical things and can't wait for someone to build a time machine so I can be the first to use it. (I'm not in AP W. History for nothing)	× I can never remember for the life of me where I parked the car. (or where anybody parked the car)	✓ I had the TEEN ANGST thing going for at least 2-3 years.
✓ I wish people would be more empathic and honest with each other.	× I play Dungeons and Dragons weekly. (hahaha no)	✓ I love to sing. (even if im terrible at it)
× I want to live in my mother's basement when I grow up. (uh no, my mom hates boston)	× I have a custom-built computer.	× I want to create a certain someone's babies, even though there's a 0% possiblity of ever achieving it. (i dont want kids at all)
× I would be in a relationship with one of my pets if they were human.	✓ I've gone skinny-dipping.	× I've performed in three plays.
× I enjoy burritos. (I hate burriots)	× I'm Irish and loving it. (I wish)	× I have a thing for redheads.
× I am a twin! (I was. Sort of. Complicated. Ignore.)	✓ Most of the times, I'd rather do something intellectual instead of doing something generically 'fun'.	✓ Once I set out to finish something, I always stay at it until it is completed before I move on to something else. (I try to)
✓ I wish there were a way to erase past mistakes. (more than most people know)	× I sleep more than 12 hours a day. (i wish)	✓ I wish I could be prouder of what I've accomplished, but it's never enough.
✓ I need more time to myself.	× I wish I was more open-minded. (not at all)	× I hope that I go really prematurely grey. (ummm why would i hope for that?)
✓ I download songs from the internet.	× I've just reenacted chapter 58 of Death Note with my best friend. (i have no idea what that is)	✓ I say random things to freak people out.
× I'm still a little mad about the ending of Death Note. (I have no idea what that is)	× I love playing Truth or Dare. (like anybody tells the truth)	✓ I love listening to slow music, but I hate singing to it.
✓ Music helps me remember that I am not alone.	✓ Playing my favorite sport makes me temporarily forget my problems.	✓ I think this survey is particularly long.
✓ I prefer my LJ friends to my real-life ones. (Sometimes)	✓ I can only hate someone that I love.	✓ I've ordered an extra two shots of espresso to an Americano at Starbucks. (I think. =/)

rainyteardrops @ 2006-09-09T09:59:00

2006-09-09T17:05:43Z

So my mom has taken the computer apart yet =) so I'm happy about that.

Chris hasnt showed up yet, and I'm kind of hoping that he just doesn't. That he gets that I didn't want to see him, thats why I didn't tell him that I was moving, why i didn't tell him a lot of things. I'm really hoping over here. But I don't know.

I'm going to Chae's volleyball game in Medical Lake tonight, and staying the night at her place (I'm sensing a set up, okay hoping for a set up for a suprise something with her and Shannon lol) so I have to be at her work at 4:45 so I am just hoping that he doesn't show up between now and then.

Cause I don't think I can face him. Honestly. I really don't. At this point I want to move just so I can put you know 2300-2500 miles between us. I just don't want to face anything. I'm a total coward when it comes to him, and only him.

Why.can't.I.face.my.mistakes.

why does all of this have to be with him? i can handle myself with everybody but him.

just.say.goodbye

2006-09-08T22:33:13Z

So today was my last day during school, and the last day that I have internet, so sadness all around. =(

List of times I've cried:
During lunch
During French
On the bus (I mean Sean hugged me, Suzy, Ryan, and Christina, I was bound to cry, and it was like this big group goodbye. I may start crying thinking about it)
Walking home
Standing in my near empty room.
Talking to my mom in the living room.
Fighting with my mom at Zips.

I am done crying i swear

its overrated.

Oh.My.God.

2006-09-08T01:18:28Z

Oh No. No.No.No.No.My.God.No.Please.Just.Say.It.Isn't.So.No.

God.

Ammie ran into Chris today, and told him I was leaving. The fucking bitch. That wasn't her place, I was just going to leave. That was my choice, my fucking choice. Not hers, right or wrong, it was mine. And she just stepped in, like she always does, and made it for me. Always. She just can't let me live my life.

And to make it all better, she told him to come up on Saturday to see me. She has no right to get involved in my life like this again after I told her to stay out of it the lat time.

God.Just.Make.It.Stop.

I can't face him.

Not after he found out like that.

I.Just.Want.It.To.Stop.

rainyteardrops @ 2006-09-05T18:47:00

2006-09-06T01:56:36Z

Class Schedule
For the next four days.

Home Room: Olson -- This week only. Whatever. He gave us our schedules, went over the rules. What the fuck ever, like anybody does anything if you break them anyways. I'm so gonna miss this school. Yep yep yep.

1st period. AP World History -- Barnwell: Not much, just went over what we were going to do, they turned in summer assignment that I didn't know about therefore didn't do. yada yada yada. Oh and talked about the AP test for college cred in May, if they let me take the AP class in Texas (apparently in Texas it's against school rules to let a Sophmore take AP classes. what the fuck dude.)

2nd period. Englist 10 honors -- dietrich: Total bitch. im here for 4 days. didn't do my summer assignment so I went to explain this to her. and what the hell does this fucking bitch make me fucking do? read Persuasion by Jane Austen by fucking tomorrow. So Nickole's idea? Skip her fucking class causes shes a fucking bitch. But no, I am reading the spark's notes version, and the book. Damn my want to get good grades this year rule. oh and we took a test. so i got a zero on that bitch.

3rd period. Science 10 -- Daisly: weird. seriously. he's weird. this Rachel chick is in my class. She's David's cousin. cool so far. but whatev. and anyways. we didn't do much. just took a test.

LUNCH!! (WITH SEAN!!!!! yayness bitches)

4th period. Lifetime Fitness -- Owen: gym. kill. me. now... please?

5th period. French 1 -- Thacker: totally fucking awesome. I will be one pissed off girl if they don't have French at CSHS. Oh trust me. It will be bad.

6th period. Math 10 -- Gillespie: math sucks. math should die. no not really. i like math to an extent. and the teacher was nice.

why do i have to move.

I like all of my teachers but one. god this sucks.

rainyteardrops @ 2006-09-02T23:45:00

2006-09-03T06:48:59Z

think its possible to get a beta for a half-finished poem? just to like go over it and tell me if its total crap or not. and if it is, at least then i can stop writing it.

She's not as skinny as the girls in the glamourous magazines,
She's not as pretty as the actresses on your television screen.
She'll never listen to anything that anybody else ever has to say
She wants to try coke and she always has to have things her way.

It doesn't work even though she tried,
{Her nose burns before it bleeds}
Snorts just enough to take of the edge,
{She swears she is in control of it}

Her cheeks sink in and her face grows pale,
{All her friends can totally tell}
She's hooked on a drug and now she can't quit,
{When will this merry-go-round stop}

its completly out of order. but its just three stanzas that would go together. idk. i just kind of wrote those three stanzas. so... if anybody on my flist wants to tell me what they think.... i'd pretty much <3 you forever and ever :D

[[Just Forget Me It's That Simple]]

2006-09-03T06:09:21Z

justin won't go to bed. he was supposed to be sleeping an hour ago, and he still won't sleep. but whatever, kevin is dealing wtih him. i am so cold. and i feel like so hollow. and now i sound emo. so moving on.

shannon chae and torri went to the movies tonight. this is why i didn't want to babysit. this is my second to last weekend here, and i would rather be out with my friends than at home. but do i get to be ? no. i get to be stuck here. babysitting somebody that doesn't need a babysitter.

i hate this.

I really just wish that my mom hadn't set it up for me to babysit, or that I had more of a backbone and had just said that I wouldn't babysit. I mean, it's not like I'm going to have to see Ammie for another couple of months. I may not even be able to come back up here for Christmas Break like I did last year, I may only be able to come up for Summer Break. And I will be so pissed off about that. But I know its going to happen.

Danny so is going to tear me away from my home.

He's great at it.

I wonder if he is trying to like major in destroying my life one step at a time. Cause he is sure as hell doing a fabulous job at it.

Only, i'm the only one that seems to think so.

I guess it's all in my head

rainyteardrops @ 2006-09-02T18:03:00

2006-09-03T01:05:04Z

so whats really annyoing, is the fact that im babysitting justin, but kevin -- his step dad-- is home. and he will be until ammie gets back..

ammie just doesn't trust kevin.

i didnt even want to fucking babysit.

my mom set the damn thing up.

i have a lot of other things i want to be doing.

and dealing with kevin and his fucking crabiness and constant picking on me isn't fucking one of them

rainyteardrops @ 2006-09-02T15:46:00

2006-09-02T23:01:34Z

I just put it all under LJ-cuts cause it was kind of long =)

Well yesterday was very interesting.

And thats putting it lightly.

So I woke up at 2:30 from the weird ass dreams, ovbiously I shouldn't have skipped my dose of Tylenol PM, and then at around 3ish I fell back asleep, only to wake up again at 5:30 from... you guessed it!! Weird ass dreams. So around 7 I fell asleep again. And then my mom was a bitch (okay not really, I knew she was) woke me up at nine because I was going shopping with my grandma.

Fastfoward through the shopping. (Although, I did get two cute shirts and two cute skirts)

I get home and my grandma just starts yelling and screaming (nothing new) my mom isn't home (because she pretty much hates me right now) so I am stuck. alone. with. psychotic. grandmother.

for like five hours.

I did find out who my home room teacher is. Sort of. I found out the homeroom class number is F220. Whoo-hoo.

So excited for the four fucking day I will be there.

Yippity Doo Dah.

Hooray.

So then, Shananagin calls me at like... 11:45 asking me if I'm decent, and I'm like... well I'm in my pajamas, but yeah. and she said, well fuck thats fine, me and Chae are coming over. and I'm like cool whatever.

So I go into my mom/grandmas room (they share one since every other room is filled with fucking boxes since my mom is still stuck on this whole we are moving to Texas in 15 days thing) to tell my mom that they would be over in like an hour (they were in Idaho for some fucked up reason) and my grandma like flew off the fucking roof and started screaming at me. what the fuck ever

So I went outside and waiting for them.

Well in Spokane, in September, at you know, midnight, it's like 40 degrees outside. and I was in shorts and a tank top.

it was fucking freezing,

So they get over to my house and my and Shananagian do this happy dance cause she got her liscence and all that. and then chaes mom calls saying she has to go home effin bitch we were all going to sneak out and go to Riverfront Park to hang with some people.

Anyways.

I wrote a Cassidy fic today.

In green marker while I was doing my make up.

it's really short.

But it's the first one i've written thats not based on music.

I don't actually think I'm going to post it anywhere.

Cause it's like 87 words long.

And I wrote it in green marker for crying out loud.

But I'm really happy that I wrote something.

I don't even think it's that good.

But it's something.

It's pretty much the shortest thing I've ever written too lol.

rainyteardrops @ 2006-08-31T21:40:00

2006-09-01T04:45:35Z

I just spent three hours shopping with my mom. We went to ShopKo. Three hours in ShopKo lmao.

I got a cute shirt and a pair of Tinkerbell pajamas. I love em.

Anyways, Hope got back into town a couple days ago, and I've been trying to get a hold of her all day. And it ended up with me calling her 6 times, and her not being there each time, and getting on MySpace like an hour later. It's kinda funny. Since we're commenting each other like IM HOME CALL ME. and then I'll call her like an hour after that and she won't be there. damn MySpace.

But I'm going shopping again tomorrow. And then I think I'm going to the movies (please say Step Up please say Step Up I don't care I've seen it twice Step Up Step Up Step Up) with Ammie and her kids. I don't know for sure. But I do know on Saturday I am babysitting Justin, and then on Sunday I am babysitting him, and then Monday I have to fucking go try and see who my homeroom teacher is, or I may be able to go on Friday, not sure, depends on my plans.

Shananagin gets her liscence on the 5th YES I am so happy about that, cause the nshe can be me up for the suprise party that they better be planning for me.

I keep reminding Chae about it.

She keeps telling me shes not throwing me one.

I keep laughing.

I think she's being serious though.

Well... I'm off to watch Roswell orrrr.... One Tree Hill I haven't decided yet.

I am way bored dude.

rainyteardrops @ 2006-08-31T10:43:00

2006-08-31T17:50:26Z

Ten Signs That You Are Completly Having An Emo Day And Need To Seek Immediate Help

1. You just ate half a cartoon of ice cream by yourself and don't feel the least bit guilty about it. Not a bit.
2. You watched your three favorite episodes of Roswell and you still feel like crying.
3. You ignore the text messages from your friends.
4. Ditto the phone calls.
5.You don't want to shower, do your make up... anything actually; but lay on your bed and watch Roswell.

Yeah.

I had a very Emo day yesterday.

I really don't want to move.

Somebody have a time machine?

I'll give it back.